Up and Out of the Rabbit Hole

placing the pieces together and watching them fall apart,
your eyes will never meet mine again, our hands will never touch.
and my heart fills with anger and hate, love and nostalgia.
simple words uttered too often, but not often enough,
simple words never to be repeated and never to be heard again,
drifting father and farther from one another, until one is lost,
and the other, forgotten.

You are apart of me. Scratch that, you are apart of my eating disorder.
I crave my anorexia, therefor I crave you.
I crave bones and because of that I crave the pressure I felt to be perfect for you,
even more so, I crave the drive I had to make you worry, to make you care, somewhat..

I don't miss you, I don't miss being miserable over you..

but I do and I will.

I miss you. I miss you. I ... miss you.

if I ever knew I would be the one to burn us down,
to set these words on fire,

if I ever knew that those words would replay, over and over,
if those days would be so vital,

if I ever thought that those bushes, those hugs, would mean so much,

I would have ran like I used to,
I would have tried harder,
to make sure the nineteenth never happened,
so that the following never would have.

the past is embedded with your finger prints, with my bones.
it is embedded with familiar lyrics and repeating bass.
cars speeding too fast, and cravings deep inside me.
the crunch upon leaves and the giggle in my throat.
the craving that sat in my stomach, that burned me.
the craving that told me you were all I wanted, needed.
and the insecurities that kept me from you,
kept me from being myself and kept us apart.

and now I sit here, alone, replaying the same 1 minute 42 second song,
repeating the same words, replaying the same night(s), rewinding, over and over again.

I've never let you go,
but you never held.

how can such a slippery slope be so desirable,
how can someone whom with I have no connection mean so much,
how can I mean so little.

fatal attraction and sexual reactions are all I believe,
I don't want love nor do I want friendship,
just use me and leave me aside,
prove to me that you are the same,
prove to me that you are not worth my time,
hurt me like I think you have,
like I want you to..

summer 2006 -

I began restricting. I was straightedge. the feeling was different. every other day was spent with erica. It was just beginning. I was focused on losing weight but I wasn't aware how this one summer would, in fact, ruin my entire life. I wasn't aware I was LETTING it ruin my entire life.

summer 2007 -

fresh out of inpatient. began restricting. eating about 700 calories a day without knowing it and with thinking I was eating about 2000. I miss this summer. close with suz/juli/jesse. best friends with taylor ludwick wtf. super tan. dinner party. friendship with mary began. my bones jutted from my tan back.

summer 2008 -

sober, unwillingingly. reunited friendship with victoire. introduction of a whole new group of friends and an entirely different outlook on life. binging got bad, real bad. friend with suz/juli but things were weird. best friends with sharon gaskill. spent most of the summer binging and fasting.

summer 2009 so far -

fat. binging. fat. binging. unstable friendships. unstable self. unusual sleep patterns. smoking a lot of cigarettes. eating too much.

so basically, plain and simple: I hate what I've done with my life.
I hate my quality of life.
I hate how I spend my days and how I spend my nights.
I hate my ambitions/lack of ambitions.
I hate my friends, I hate who I become around some of my friends.

I hate my body, head to toe.
From my pinky to my thighs.
I hate my hair and eyebrows.
I hate my whole, entire appearance,
and, I guess, my whole, entire existence.

it's 2:01am and I have nothing to show for the past day.
no exercise, no communication worth remembering.

this time last year, I had four quality friends,
I had an interest worth pursuing. And I was thin.
I could see the future just like I could see my bones:
not entirely, but I had an entire of it's/their existence.

get out if you can,
they do change you,
they do.

no one's lying when they say they'll ruin you,
they will.

you and I, we just disagree because we hate to believe it.

we hate to believe we fucked up our own lives.

it's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I've binged myself to a massively high weight that I've never seen before. in fact, these are numbers I would rather die than be at.
simple and plain: life was easier as an anorexic. it just was. my mouth was tame, I spent little to no money on food, and I was proud of when I was "sick". now, I just cower behind my rolls of fat.
none of my clothes fits. it's not even that it doesn't fit how I want it to, it's that it actually does not fit at all.
buy new pants? no .why would I buy new clothes when I can (for free) just lose weight.
I read a new phrase the other day. I wish I could remember it. something like "starvation brings satisfication, so cut for distraction". I don't remember, but it made sense.
and I just found an (at the time) unopen pack of cigarettes. now, I've smoked through a couple of 'em. but whatevr.
I miss beginning of junior year so bad. I had a perfect life. I was thinner, had more friends, fought less with my mom, and got better grades.
now I'm fat, have -2 friends compared to then, always fight with family, and have horrible grades. and some other things. but I'm turning the blind eye to those, for now.
years from today I know I'll look back on this time in my life and regret most of what I do. I'll enjoy the few, fond memories I do have: Chicago streets with Sharon Gun, the best weekend in the world at Nicole's, discovering Wonderland at Victoire's. but there's so much bad to outweigh the good.
and maybe I did do this. I don't think, scratch that, I KNOW it's not all my fault. but damn, a hell of a lot of it is.
but things change.
well no, People change. people always change. I changed.

- make at least 5 collages
- keep a clean room
- never binge 2 days in a row
- stay OUT of trouble (plz!!!!!!!!)
- go to the Renfrew Reunion
- dress better/adapt better style
- tattoo?
- smoke better cigarettes and not Cloves
- continue passing my drug tests :) (goes along with staying out of trouble obv)
- not buy pointless shit
- NOT go to the mall to hang out
- paint at least 2 paintings
- tan
- grow out my hair (preferablly look like Sasha Grey)
- be at least 15lbs lighter by school!
- make a House of Leaves collage

- I'm huge. I'm actually fat and there's not arguing against it. I am fat.

- My friends don't see my as an anorexic anymore (I quote: "I don't see you as anorexic anymore, You're not anorexic anymore). It's killing me.

- I hate you, bulimia. I hate you more than anything else in the entire world.

- I hate that I don't throw up often, I hate that a lot.

- I hate that I'm binge/restrict and not binge/purge type.

- My thighs touch, I want to slice them off.

- My grades are horrendous. Weight goes up, grades go down.

- I hate most of the people I know.

- I miss you so much. Sorry I'm such a cunt.

- I want my "So?" tattoo really badly.

- I want to make scars. I love scars.

- Everyone wants to be sick to be "cool" and I hate each and everyone of you.

- None of us are as fucked up as we like to believe. And yes, we LIKE to believe we're fucked up.

- I see my life headed no where.

I m so fucking fat. I honestly can't take it. How the fuck did I get here?

I used to freak out over being 111.5 instead of 111 and now I'm WAY OVER THAT.

I eat normal meals, or semi-normal meals. I eat things with fat and sugar.

Thats not me.

For now on:
egg samichs, apples, 100 cal popcorn, celery, salad, canned tuna, boca burgers.

I need to get back to being super thin. It's the only way I'll be happy.


I really, really, really, really want to SI. I don't know if I will or not. This craving is pretty strong.

I go through phases of people. I adore them for moments, weeksnds, or months, maybe.

but I never care that long for anyone. It always fades. Even people I thought I'd always care about, I've stopped caring about. Numbing out never proved so effective.

I think the only people I'll stay close to and that will have made a difference in my life, positively, will and are Victoire, Sharon, Mallory, the frew-crew and the like. And Jesse.

I don't know, actually.

I don't know a damn thing.

FINALLY. I did it. I was such a pain in the ass that now we'll never talk again.

or wrote down my calories. I count them day by day, but I've been slacking on recording them.

It's 6:34am, I should be doing my situps, not journaling. I'll do them next.

I can't wait till summer. I'm so over Saint Andrews. Really though, SO over it. I really am getting sick of best friends who don't care at all and people who have that holier-than-thou complex. I can't stand how much people assume things without getting to know the actual truth. It's kind of funny, actually. It's ironic, as well. Next year, when all the seniors and such are gone, Victoire and Sharon will be back and I won't feel alone or lonely, ever. I just have to make it until then. Which I can do. I can't wait till Victoire and Sharon are back, life will be SO.MUCH.BETTER.

I can't wait for Saturday. Enough said. I'm not telling anyone, though.

I'm going downhill in school, what's new? I lost my math binder, APs fucked me up. I rarely was in FST class and now I have zero idea what's going on. sick!

No boys, no men. No more trying. Dunzo forever.

the best thing about today was I ate less than 900 calories.

the worst thing about today was I wanted to eat only 500.

I actually hate you. I've never hated someone before.

I don't want to do this college, job, marriage, kids, etc. I don't.

I don't at ALL. I want to have a shitty, cozy little house and have my clients come there.
I want walls covered in jewelry and old pictures, not pictures of a husband I don't love and a family I can't relate to. I don't want to do the 9 to 5. Hell, I don't want to LIVE past 25. But I will, just for the hell of it. Just because if I really fuck up, I can always end it. Morbid? Probably. Reality? Of course.

From here, I really don't feel the need to be 77 pounds anymore. I'll be happy at 111. Really, I will! I just have to get there. I'd rather live to be old and fucked up, then die young and unhappy. I want to die happy. Yea, I want to die happy. Thin and happy and fucked the hell up.

This all sounds so juvenile, I wish I could get my REAL thoughts out.

it's just, I'm so done with highschool,
I'm tired of everyone I know being so, well, cliquey. I'm tired of feeling like I have to compete. I hate that I'm the fattest out of all my friends. I hate that I used to be the 3rd skinniest. Now I'm the fattest. I want to move out of this town.

I want my shitty house in the suburbs of a big city. Or a small, shitty apartment. I want to decorate it as I please. I refuse to have white walls. I hate white walls, they remind me of the hospital. I want my shitty house with comfortable furniture that I don't have to worry about my clients or friends ruining. I want to live in a practical way. I just want to help people. I don't need ridiculously expensive clothing.

I just need my bones, the ability to alter my mind, a couple good friends (obviously, VERY few people from my current life. maybe 2-3 people. maybe), and to help people.

"a casual stroll through the lunatic asylum
shows that faith does not prove anything."

"WHERE'S THE DOLLAR?!" - Mallory

"silence, of course, can speak in volumes."

"It’s us against us. You, the victim of yourself."

"shit nigga. Who will my troops obey?" - Mallory

"I've been thinking about 10 different ways I can get you pregnant." - Chelsea

"Why aren't the bobbypins evacuating Egypt?" - RBT

"the tighter the better" - Megan Zann

"We can date diet coke and cheat on it
with cigarettes." - Victoire

copperhed11: ill punch him in the face if you want
copperhed11: but you gotta visit me in the hospital after he hits me back

"LOOKIN LIKE A CREAKHEAD 24/7 NO SHAME" - Victoire

"it's an A and B conversation, so you can C your way out." - Chelsea's Mom

"we make a good mixed drink... I'll be the coke, and you the vodka." - Christian Napolitano

“Acting is about truth. Truth is about beauty. Ugly people lack believability. Now how can I put this kindly? You look like a liar.” - Skins

"If we didn't eat, we'd save so much money. We should all be like Blaire." - Morgan Edwards

"The price of being a sheep is boredom, the price of being a wolf is loneliness. Choose one or the other with great care."

"One of these days I'm going to cut you up and put you in that garage, after I brush your teeth with a grapefruit." - Mary Tolly
"Quod evenit in labyrintho properantibus: ipsa illos velocitas inplicat." - H.O.L

after a weekend of “free” (call it what you may… we all know what it means) eating, not even the most delicious food tastes good anymore once it’s soiled with guilt and fear and anger and anxiety and pain.

I can’t stop looking at old photos. I can’t stop wondering how much better life would be for everyone had I lied. I can’t stop replaying conversations and interactions and moments.

I kicked a hole in a cupboard because you changed my fatfree cheese to low-fat,

what in god’s name would that Blaire say or do if she saw me now?

My anorexia saved my life, today. And lately it has been. The goal of being 77 pounds keeps me going. It's tells me that I can't give up until I get there. What the fuck.. The same thing that almost killed me, is now what is driving me to stay alive? It's the only part of my mind/body/spirit that says "don't do it, yet".

Why? Why is reaching 77 pounds the reason I want to live?

It will all come in due time.
The weight will slowly but surely come off, in due time.
My relationships will become easier to manage, in due time.
It won't be AS awkward, in due time.

It's going to be weird, though. Dealing with a sleepover with no one really but Mary to help me not binge. Oh wait, I have myself. It's my own duty. Perhaps, perhaps I'll even go back to the way it's supposed to be: small dinner and nothing else. Like the last time I went to a party at her house. I can dream, right?

I really, really don't know what to expect out of this summer. I've never been so confused/ready to change as I am right now. Life has NEVER been this way before. Ever.

It's really odd. Really.

I, apparently, lost the respect of all my peers (who are really just memories in time).
I am at a very high weight and have been for a while, I've usually relapsed with my anorexia by now.
My grades are.. dare I say, improving. Maybe? I'm shocking myself with actually doing homework lately.
I feel extremely disconnected from my father, although we talk more than ever.

And now, now my heart is heavy. But with no expectations but to get hurt. I hope I do, it's all I know. but there's not even anyone really there to hurt me. Friends, I guess. but it's been this way for MONTHS now. Months. Not days, not weeks. But months. I never thought we'd go so long without speaking. I said the first words to her the other day. Months passed without out us even saying "excuse me". I think I asked her to tell my advisor something. The look on her face, well, it was priceless. As though she'd seen a ghost.

But I'm not ghost, not right now. I will be, soon enough and in due time.
But right now, I'm just a part of your past.
And I'm starting to realize, I'm going to stay a part of your past.
I guess there is no future relationship building.
There's not even a foundation to start from.
There are not even ashes left.
Our friendship has completely ... vanished.
Into the past, just memories.. everyone, everything... just memories.